


Self-Hatred And Family Issues, how to self-medicate effectively (or not)

by Elisexyz



Series: How to coexist peacefully (mostly) – Dean and Michael  are roommates AU [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Bromance, Drinking & Talking, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, Gen, Mentions of Violence, weird friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-06 11:49:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11600037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elisexyz/pseuds/Elisexyz
Summary: When Michael gets drunk, he is exactly the same, you can’t tell the difference. Except that he talks. Quite a lot.





	Self-Hatred And Family Issues, how to self-medicate effectively (or not)

**Author's Note:**

> Basically here we have Dean, Michael, lots of alcohol and talks about issues and feelings. There’s some- it’s not exactly Sam bashing, I love Sam, _but_ Sam did something really bad for issues sake and of course Michael is not going to be okay with it. Don’t worry, I’ll make Sam and Dean reunite in another one-shot ~~sooner or later~~. And Dean still loves him.  
>  Plus, it should also be considered that I am a John Winchester fan, so you'll never see me painting him as a monster.  
>  This one-shot is located pretty early in the AU, before _How To Care For Your Self-Destructive Roommate_.  
>  If you want to yell at me, I'm [here](http://heytheredeann.tumblr.com) on Tumblr.  
>  Uh. Enjoy, guys.

“Drinking alone? Sad,” Michael points out, dropping on the couch right next to Dean.

“Suit yourself,” he mutters, gesturing vaguely. “Shouldn’t you be still, like, walking around?”

Michael sometimes likes to take long walks. It clears his head, he says, and he’s usually gone for hours. This time, he came back in about an hour, it’s odd.

Michael shrugs. “Didn’t feel like it,” he explains. “Give me some.” He stretches his arm towards a beer, and Dean lets him: it’s not like there’s not enough for both of them to get drunk enough to just stop caring about- stuff. Which is what Dean was trying to do before he was interrupted.

“What’s bothering your little brain?” Michael asks, sipping his beer as if it was some expensive wine. The guy has to stop being classy when he drinks.

“Do I need a good reason to drink?” Dean mutters, eyeing the TV that he has left on because it felt pretty pathetic to not even pretend to be doing something other than walking the road towards alcoholism.

“If you have enough beers to pass out, yep,” Michael replies, and he sure has got a point. Which doesn’t mean that Dean is drunk enough to talk about his problems. Yet.

“Wanna do a drinking game?” Dean offers.

Michael raises his eyebrow. “That’s one of the stupidest ways to get drunk. But sure, if it makes you happy,” he offers, surprisingly enough. Dean had half-expected a refusal.

“Let’s do…” Dean mutters, thinking of the less incriminating and most likely to escalate game. “Never-have-I-ever?”

“Why not,” Michael shrugs. They get two glasses and prepare to start.

Of course, the questions end up being mostly of sexual nature, which is how Dean finds out that apparently Michael once had anal sex in the back of an alley, that he has had a threesome and that he tried a poly relationship once.

Dean has lost count of how many beers they’ve had when he feels wasted enough to just open his mouth and blurt out what’s bothering him. Michael is drunk too, maybe he won’t remember. Not that he _looks_ drunk: he seems pretty much okay, except he is, like, _talking_. More than he usually does. He started willingly adding the backstories for his answers half a dozen of glasses ago. So Dean’s pretty sure that he _is_ , in fact, drunk.

“You know, I don’t really talk to my little brother anymore,” Dean confesses. It feels weird to say it out loud, he’s usually more of a let’s-ignore-it-until-it-goes-away kind of guy. But this- this probably won’t go away. And he could use someone to talk to, for a change. Even better if that someone is probably more messed up than he is.

“Why?” Michael asks, putting down his glass and taking a sip directly from the can.

Dean shrugs. “He had a girlfriend,” he explains. “She was- she sucked. He didn’t listen to me and-” He makes a vague gesture with his hand, unsure about how to articulate that whole mess. He’s still not sure himself about how everything went down. He and Sam have always been so _close_ \- it’s absurd to lose each other like that. How did they fracture their relationship so much that they just won’t- it doesn’t make sense.

He remembers struggling for air, Sam’s hands around his throat, his eyes red and his pupils almost invisible. Sam didn’t kill him, but he could have. It’s- It doesn’t make sense.

“My dad called today,” Dean adds. “Sam’s staying with him, he- needs to get clean, and stuff. Dad’s trying to make us talk.”

“Why don’t you?” Michael asks. It doesn’t sound like he’s implying that he should, that it’d be easy if he just did, it sounds more like he’s just- interested, curious.

Dean shrugs. “He kinda- he was high. And we fought, he- almost- chocked me.”

There’s a couple of seconds of silence. Dean wonders why he said it like that, it makes it sound- worse than it was. But it was _bad_. It’s not like Sam meant to, but- but he did it. Dean keeps wondering _how_ he could do that.

“I can kill him for you,” Michael finally says, in all seriousness. No, really, he’s wearing his serious face. Not ironic-straight-face, just- serious. It makes Dean panic for a second.

“No, what- _no_ ,” he quickly says. “He’s my little brother why would I- _no_.”

“Well, _he_ would,” Michael kindly points out.

“He was high,” Dean protests.

“You’re drunk,” Michael points out.

Dean rolls his eyes. “He’s my brother, I love him, it’s just-” he mutters. “ _Difficult_ \- to be around him right now. And it’s not like he wants to speak with me either, or he’d come.”

“And I thought _your_ family worked,” Michael scoffs. “Guess we’re perfect for each other.”

“Got a brother?” Dean asks. He got- _glimpses_ of Michael’s life, but nothing concrete. Just the general sensation that Michael isn’t comfortable with his family, that he doesn’t like his old man much- stuff like that, but nothing more.

“Had two,” Michael mutters.

“Had?”

Dean hopes the second one hasn’t died. It’d be horrible. He- He can’t imagine what it would be like if Sam died, in spite of everything. At the hospital, the night after their fight, when Sam has almost _died_ of an overdose- Dean felt like his world was crushing down, even if he was mad and hurt, even if he didn’t want to be around Sam. He could never wish him dead, ever. The thought brings tears to Dean’s eyes.

“Gabriel ran away,” Michael explains. “He- didn’t want to be around our father. Probably not even me and Lucifer.”

Dean chuckles. “Gabriel, Michael, Lucifer,” he says, counting on his fingers. “Fan of the Bible much?”

It’s only after looking at Michael’s raised eyebrow that Dean realises that what he said was- a very insensitive thing to say, actually. “I’m sorry,” he apologises. “I’m sorry, it slipped.”

“It’s alright,” Michael shrugs. Dean can tell that he took offence though, and it pisses him off a little that he won’t admit that what he just said was hurtful.

“Come on, man, I was an ass, you’ve a right to say it,” Dean protests.

Michael raises his eyes on him, a glimpse of surprise on his face. Why would he- oh, you know what? Doesn’t matter. Dean doesn’t feel like psychoanalyzing his roommate right now, he just- yeah, better drink another glass. More beer is good.

“Do you like your father?” Michael asks. He seems genuinely interested.

“Yeah…?” Dean mumbles. He doesn’t understand why Michael is _that_ interested. It’s normal and common to like your father, it’s- it’s how things are supposed to be. And yeah, Dean likes John. He _loves_ John. “My mom died when I was little,” Dean adds, because it feels good to talk right now, he doesn’t care about being a burden and all that stuff that he would usually think about. “Dad raised us on his own and he can be- stern. Like, a lot. Legitimately terrifying at times. He used to be a marine, you know? Had a sergeant-voice at times,” Dean chuckles. “But he loves us. And he- he’s always been there when we needed him, you know?”

Michael chuckles, and it sounds bitter. “No,” he says. “I really have no idea.”

They don’t talk for a couple of minutes, but Dean quickly grows tired of the silence. “You don’t like your dad?” he asks.

“ _He_ doesn’t like _me_ ,” Michael replies, with no hesitation. A part of Dean wants to protest that it’s not possible, that all dads love their sons, he surely is mistaken, but- he _knows_ , on an abstract level, that even bad people are dads sometimes. It sounds so wrong, but- it’s possible.

“Maybe he’s just bad people,” Dean shrugs.

The corner of Michael’s mouth raises in something that resembles a grin. “Maybe,” he allows.

“And your brother?” Dean asks, remembering that he mentioned two of them. “The one who- stayed.”

Michael shrugs. “He’s- a mess. Much like me.”

“If he’s like you, I’d like him,” Dean says, and he’s sincere. He likes Michael. He’s messy in a way that resembles him, just a little worse, and it’s- good. Dean can help.

This time, Michael smiles a real smile. “I appreciate the sentiment,” he says. “But I’m afraid we’re just both- messy. That’s it. We just have issues in common.”

“You’re not close then?” Dean asks.

“Somehow,” Michael replies, and Dean’s a little angry because they are _drunk_ , you can’t be cryptic _and_ drunk, come on.

“You should talk more,” Dean informs him. He likes talking to Michael, knowing him better. He’s- it’s good.

Michael mutters something that Dean’s not sure it’s an agreement, then they are silent again.

“I miss Sam,” Dean says. “Like- before the fight. I miss Sam before that shit.”

“I don’t like your brother,” Michael mutters.

“You don’t know him, he’s- he’s good, Sammy. He’s good.”

Michael just scoffs and Dean’s a little angry but also a little happy, because Sam did something horrible and- yeah, Dad did say that what Sam did was wrong and that if he wanted to stay away from him for a while he understood, but- he’s trying to make them talk now. And he’s keeping Sam at his house. It feels a little like Dad’s picking Sam’s side and it’s not _fair_. It’s feels good to have someone who just- who’s on _his_ side. Sam didn’t mean it, but- but it’s good.

“Your problem is that you don’t think you’re worth as much as him- or people, I think,” Michael sentences then. Dean feels like someone just sucked all the air out of his lungs.

“I- What?” he mumbles.

“You heard me,” Michael shrugs. “You- _you_ are a good person, Dean. You have- a big, good heart. It’s infuriating at times, but- you’re special.”

“I, uh, thanks, man,” Dean mumbles. He doesn’t know how he feels about this. He- Michael’s right. He doesn’t feel like what he’s saying is true, he doesn’t feel special, he doesn’t feel- worthy.

“You should be angry,” Michael adds. “At Sam.”

“I am,” Dean replies. “A little.”

“You should be _angrier_ ,” Michael specifies.

Dean can only shrug. “I miss him,” he says again. “But- it’s being difficult to- forgive him. I mean, I’m not even sure _I_ should be the one forgiving, Sam- I could have stopped it. And Sam almost _died_ -”

“You too,” Michael points out. “And you said he had a girlfriend and didn’t listen to you. You can’t make people do things. I mean, you can if you manipulate but- you don’t. So.”

“Feel like I should have done more.”

“ _I_ feel like you should stop being a martyr.”

“Oh yeah?” Dean replies. “I feel like you should stop being a misanthrope, let’s see how _that_ works for you.”

“I’m not a misanthrope, I just-”

“Don’t like people?”

“-am a _realist_ ,” Michael completes, ignoring Dean’s suggestion. “People lie. People hurt and manipulate.”

“I don’t,” Dean frowns. “I mean, I lie sometimes and- yeah, I hurt people sometimes, but I usually don’t _mean_ to, and-”

“As I’ve said,” Michael replies. “You’re good. You’re special.”

“I don’t like me very much,” Dean mutters. It feels- _weird_ to admit it out loud.

“I know,” Michael sighs, letting himself go and leaning on the couch. “I don’t like myself much either.”

“ _I_ like you,” Dean points out.

“And _I_ like _you_ ,” Michael replies.

“Mmh, okay, good,” Dean mutters. “That’s- good. Thanks.”

They stay silent, until Michael sighs once again. “No, Dean,” he says.

“No what?”

“No, I don’t like my dad,” Michael explains, turning towards him. There’s a weird expression on his face, it’s like he’s _hurt_ , and- it’s weird. Michael doesn’t do hurt, he hides and dissimulates, he- he has wet eyes now. Dean kinda wants to hug him. “He screams and hurts and steps on me like I’m- I feel like I’m _dirt_.” He pauses. “I don’t like him. And- I’m horrible, because of this. I’m horrible.”

“He’s bad,” Dean defends. Dads don’t hurt their sons. I mean, they _do_ , but they apologize, they- John has hurt him, more than once. But Dean does like him, because- because he did so much _good_ stuff that it doesn’t matter if he screwed up a little. If Michael doesn’t like his dad and Michael is good, then his dad his bad. It’s simple, really.

“Maybe he isn’t,” Michael replies. “Maybe- what if I’m the bad one? He says _I_ hurt _him_. Always. What if _I’m_ bad?”

“You are not bad,” Dean protests. “You’re just- not. I know bad people, you’re not bad.”

“And _you_ are?” Michael scoffs.

Dean shrugs. “Maybe I’m just a mess.”

“I think we both are,” Michael mumbles.

Dean nods briefly, with a weak and bitter chuckle. “Cheers to that,” he says, raising his glass.

**Author's Note:**

>  ~~I swear, this AU was supposed to be funnier~~.


End file.
